A vs. B vs. C vs. D vs. E

Same old, same old. I'll use this off day to lay out my theory on the 5 coolest things ever. Here we go. Mind you this is written in the voice of a 10 year old, ala Real Ultimate Power.

The Five Coolest Things Ever, a list in no particular order
By Brent Jensen

Number one: Zombies
I mean, come on. They're zombies! How can you not love them? They are the living dead, and they come in both fast moving (28 Days Later) and slow moving (Night of the Living Dead) varities. They eat brains, just like those guys in Temple of Doom, but these are human brains! They're crazy! Plus, if I walk like a slow zombie towards Jessie at work, she starts screaming her head off and runs away. Awesome!

Number two: Ninjas
My name is Brent and I can't stop thinking about ninjas. These guys are cool; and by cool, I mean totally sweet. Ninjas will flip out and chop your head off if you look at them wrong! They get badass weapons like Ninja Stars and Nunchucks and Bo Staffs. They can sneak up on you in the dead of night and stab you before you can hear a pin drop! Ninjas also enjoy their leisure time, as all work and no play make ninjas stab you twice! They like quilting, pilates, wailing on electric guitars, and slicing. If a ninja ever ran for president, I would vote for him the maximum number of times allowed by the law.

Number three: Robots
Robots can straight out do anything. Do you need your calculus homework done, with the work shown? Do you need a practice partner for your breakdance and battle rap skillz? How about a toaster pastry? Robots, robots, robots. Best of all, robots have no emotions, so if you get mad and call them stupid, they won't be mad at you, like your real friends. Robots will one day rule the world, like in The Matrix, so if you can get in on the ground floor, and befriend a robot today, perhaps you will be spared from some of the more grisly tortures our Machine Masters will surely inflict. Love a Robot, Love the World! (tm)

Number four: Monkeys
The noble and proud monkey is the true king of the jungle. Screw lions! They're all voiced by Matthew Broderick! Monkeys do not care about you or your problems. They care about bananas, and hanging out. That's it. They're kinda like the stoners of the animal kingdom. They just chill. Monkeys have prehensile tails, and they can use their feet as hands! How messed up is that? Plus, if you piss them off, they will throw their crap at you!! How many people do you know who will do that? Seriously, if you know any, let me know.

Number five: Pirates
Pirates sail the seven seas, and drink rum, and loot and pillage all the livelong day. That is the life. You get to fight, and be dirty, and get a pegleg and eyepatch, and basically make a nuisance of yourself for your whole life! Pirates are the most respected and feared of all seafarers, since they will carve you up with a cutlass if you give them any lip. Now, I have been told by certain pieces of fashion apparel that pirates and ninjas do not get along, and my list is therefore flawed. I think they're flawed!!! Pirates and ninjas could definitely trade rounds of spiced rum and sake, and tell many a tale together at the local pub, without resorting to violence. I think.

These are the five coolest things ever. If you are able to combine any two of them you will have a pretty damn cool concept for a movie, TV show or concept album. Examples follow:

Robot Ninja, Ninja Zombie, Zombie Robot, Pirate Monkey, Monkey Robot, ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

If you are able to combine three, you will have a certain blockbuster, i.e. Pirates of the Caribbean, which has a Zombie Pirate Monkey.

If all five things were ever combined, however, the world would quite possibly implode from the sheer force of the sweetness surrounding said event.

In summary, these are the five coolest things ever. Use them wisely, and pass them on to your kin. One day, you will thank me.


Blogger Kaylee said...

LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!!! I thought you would appreciate that a bunch of my students last semester dressed up as zombies to promote the freshman haunted house and came to class. Being theatre students, not only did they dress the part, they ACTED the part. Did I mention that I was being evaluated by two instructors from the comm department that very day? :)

12:28 PM  

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