Mail Vol. 4

Brent, me matey,

Speaking of Kevin Smith, how was that speaking thing you went to? Arggghh!! Shiver me timbers and avast the mainsail!!

Yo ho ho,

A Pirate (name withheld)

First of all, how did you know I was writing about Kevin Smith in that last e-mail reply? Are you a psychic pirate? Meaning either are you a pirate with psychic powers, or do you specifically pirate psychics? Like, steal their ESP and whatnot. Im confused. Also, you signed your e-mail with your real name, which is something a pirate should never do, since the Royal Navy can run your file at the bureau and start harassing your multiple families you have at each port. So, Mr. John Silver, I'm withholding your name to help you out.

On to Kevin Smith, though. It was one of the coolest events I've ever been to. It was at the Raue Center in Crystal Lake, IL, and it's a tiny place, not much bigger than Waukesha Civic. I think there were something like 750 people there, or close to that, and pretty much anyone that wanted to ask a question got the chance, as he spoke for SIX AND A HALF HOURS!! He went basically nonstop from 7 pm until 1:30 am, with the only break being when a fan recited the entire carpenter and the walrus speech from Dogma, and Kevin walked offstage. The man is a machine. And he told so many funny stories, I can't recount them all here, but the one he ended on was the kicker.

I think the question was about whether he would ever make more serious movies, with less juvenile jokes an so forth. Well Kevin went into this long spiel about how he's just not that type of writer, etc. And he said "I could never make The Passion of the Christ, because my version just wouldn't fly with the audience. I'd have Jesus, up there on the cross, and suddenly, a gang of ninjas swoop into and start kicking the centurion's asses, chopping limbs off left and right. And one ninja goes up to pull the nails out of Jesus, and Jesus says, "Hey, stop! I'm supposed to die for the sins of man!"

And the camera zooms in on the ninja,

"Not on my watch."

At which point Kevin ends the show. Brilliant.

See, all you haters out there, even Silent Bob likes ninjas. I need to make a graphic of him saying "I'm Kevin Smith, and I approved these ninjas." And he can be holding a little ninja action figure in his hand. That'd be sweet.


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