Warner now owes me two hours..

Meaning the two hours of my life I'll never get back after watching Catwoman. Sure, I knew it wouldn't be good, and at least I didn't pay to see it. But, wow. That was terrible.

Catwoman was probably the first superhero movie I didn't go see in the theater since Batman and Robin (a trend that will probably continue with Elektra). I am a big fan of the BIG movie, just for the escape it can provide for a couple hours, and the comic-book adaptation has been Hollywood's newest source. Not every one is going to work (ahem, Daredevil, ahem, Punisher), but most are fun enough to escape my wrath regarding mere stupidity or deviation from the source material. I'll deal with Spidey's organic web-shooters, as long as Raimi delivers a spectacular flick. And he has, twice. But Catwoman is just completely insane. Perhaps not as misguided as Batman and Robin, but still really, really, really, really, ridiculously bad.

First of all, I don't know how a lot of design and plot decisions got made on this movie. The director, known only as Pitof, has directed such hits as.. umm... NOTHING. His biggest claim to fame is his cinematography work on Alien: Resurrection, yet another disappointing franchise flick. I think that he must have a brother-in-law that runs a crane company, since seemingly every since establishing shot in this movie is a friggin crane shot. Yes, we get it, you have a crane. Now come up with some other ideas, please. And much like most action movies these days, he used obvious CGI for the main character's leaps and bounds stuntwork. This will bother me, I'm sure, until some movie comes along and I can't tell they used CGI. Then I'll shut up. So yeah, Pitof is gonna pay for his crimes.

But he didn't act alone. There are no less than 6 writers credited (between story and screenplay), and they're all evil, evil people. I am a lowly video monkey, and even I know that the target demographic for the superhero movie has gotta be the 14-30 male group. Knowing that, whoever among these folks decided to set the movie in the oh-so-manly cosmetics industry needs a stern talking-to, or perhaps 50 lashes with a wet noodle. Also, the trashing of all of Catwoman's comic history comes off as sheer arrogance. The writers said "Ok, we've got this character, we've got Halle Berry, and we've got 50 years of backstory. Let's throw it all out and start over. We can do better." They have a collective set, I'll tell you that. I'm surprised Akiva Goldsman wasn't involved.

The costume speaks for itself. I can only assume that it was sexed up to appeal to that important male demo, and thus cancel out the Loreal/Revlon subplot, which I guess I understand. I would compare it, however, to having Mary Jane go throughout the entire Spider-Man movie with her wet T-shirt, or Jean Grey having a lingerie pillow fight with Rogue. I don't like being talked down to by Hollywood, and I think that's what's happening here. I get that it's trying to be stylish and cool, but she wears diamond-studded claws and HIGH HEELS!! I'm not the expert, but I would think they would hinder her prowling, even with her kitty powers. Plus, no one questions her costume at any point. It's just kind of accepted. This happens in tons of other superhero movies, but in almost every other case, there's a hero and a villain. If a hero has a bat-suit, then the villain feels she must follow suit and dress up like a cat. Or a crazy robot freezing guy. "I'll put you on ICE!" Anyway, here she walks around the city in a crazy S&M getup with a wacky mask, and no one bats an eye.

Sigh. I guess the only bright spot was Alex Borstein, cuz she's funny. Unfortunately, this wasn't a comedy. There should be a law, enforced by me and my band of Stormtroopers and Red Shirts, that superhero movies can only be made if they're A) good and B) true to the source. The only reason to make a comic book movie is to take a good story and bring it to the masses in a visual medium; to disregard this is to make a potential movie irrelevant and pointless. That's what Pitof and his evil harpies have done to Catwoman, and they get a D.


Blogger Maxx said...

I think you're being a little generous with the D. But good review.

2:42 AM  
Blogger Brent Jensen said...

Yeah, I think I have to reserve the F for movies like Vampires vs. Zombies and Ankle Biters. Catwoman at least had decent production values.

2:39 PM  

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